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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Sex has been on my brain for two weeks! I want it with my ex-wife. The only thing she and I were ever good at was connecting physically. We did it when we were happy, to celebrate, when we were sad, to comfort each other, and when we were bored, to create fun.
We did get back together for one no-strings-attached meetup at our old cabin this summer, when we were cleaning it up to sell — but it was a big disappointment. On top of that, nobody knew where we were, or cared, so we didn’t even get to have that furtive, sneaking-around feeling, which can be a turn on.
Then, last night, she called me to say she was all alone in the city, and why didn’t I come over to her house (which used to be our home together). I’ll confess I said I “might,” but I just sat in my condo all night. It felt like she just wanted a “service call.”
Is this is the final end of us as occasional playmates? I guess I need it to be over, so I can move on with my life, but, I don’t think I’ll ever find sex that good again when I find a new woman! We were Olympic sex athletes, and who can match that?
— Got Nobody Now, Transcona
Dear Got Nobody: When you need to catch a fish, you don’t stay home and think about a former fish you caught, and how much you enjoyed it!
No doubt your wife sees you as a good sex partner because you had a lot of practice time, in varying situations, when your marriage was still going strong. That actually makes you well-equipped for a new chapter.
You might find a new partner who’s more exciting to you than your ex, because she brings her own history of unique sexual experiences, plus her feelings for you will be happy ones. Give a new relationship time to grow in trust, affection and fun, and the exciting sex will usually roll along with it.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I married pretty well, but I look back at the love of my life — the boy I adored from Grade 2 to Grade 8 — and realize I’ve never loved a grown man like that! People like to denigrate kids’ “infatuations,” but could it have been that? I wish I could experience some of that feeling again.
Oddly, that boy’s father always paid attention to me as I grew older. When I’d come back to our small town to see my folks — even in my 20s and 30s — the dad would make a point of coming over and saying hello to me. I felt a warmness coming from him. Maybe he knew things about me from his son, and thought of me as more than just another girl from town.
If it wasn’t love when we were young kids and the whole room would light up when he walked into it, then what was it? People would say his name, and I’d feel a thrill just hearing it! I’ve never felt like that since, even with the man I married. I would go blocks out of my way to run into my first “love,” way back when. But when we actually started dating, I must confess it wasn’t as wonderful as I thought it would be.
— Confused Adult, Winnipeg
Dear Confused: Infatuation or worship of someone can control a person’s mind, and last for a long time — even years. It’s based on one’s exaggerated conception of the amazing other being. It’s also partly based on a strong physical desire. It’s certainly not based on reality!
When you started dating the boy you loved in grade school and ran smack up against the ordinary reality of him, you pulled back. Your dream version of him was not matched by that reality.
Be glad both you and the boy you worshipped were able to move on to others. Sadly, some people get trapped in a state called limerence, where they are plagued by visions and daydreams about an idealized person they know who doesn’t actually want them, and it becomes a long-lasting nightmare.
Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
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